In our new normal of home imprisonment and socially accepted day drinking its important to stay connected with family members near and far. Our family has taken up regular zoom happy hours every few days to pass the time and justify my recent $187 to go order at BevMo. And yes BevMo is an essential service.
Now I consider both my parents relatively tech savvy, or atleast I thought I did until the 1st zoom which was about an hour, 36 minutes of which was dedicated to helping my dad turn on the mic so we could actually hear him. He could hear us so we proceeded to bark instructions to him from each corner of the country each family member was calling in from. Watching the silent video feed of him just staring blankly at the screen, touching virtually every other button except the microphone, and finally him getting the mic to work just as he was dropping his 5th F bomb in frustration in front of the grandchildren was actually more entertaining than the rest of the conversation. I’m a little sad now as he seemed to have figured it out in subsequent virtual happy hours.
While microphone settings are now stabilized, depth perception and zoom camera framing are still a work in progress. I don’t know what it is about seniors but in my unofficial research investigation over the course of atleast 3 virtual happy hours with healthy doses of Tito’s they are still struggling. I’ve identified atleast four regularly occurring video conferencing phenomenons thus far. I call it “Zoomicapped”. The PC folks would rather I say Zoomicapable but we’re in a pandemic and they are letting prisoners out of jail for minor offenses so pfffff!
- The “Help I’m Drowning in Quicksand” Zoomicap
Did the tiny couch just arrive from Wayfair? Or maybe you’re on your 4th cocktail and you don’t realize you are literally sliding onto the floor slowly since you can’t feel your legs anymore. Or maybe you just had the ceiling painted and you really want me to compliment you without having to ask. That’s some nice speckling work there dad. Top notch.
This phenomenon is not limited to just the male gender or for that matter indoors vs outside.
Meet my mom. Yes she’s there if you look closely and she’s quite lovely but you are going to have to take my word for it.
Like the Corona virus, Zoomicapped does not care where you live or who you voted for. 100% of victims are over 60.
2. The “Where Did You Go?” Zoomicap
Yeah the kids are good and we’re keeping up on the home work and…um where did you go Dad? Dad? I can hear you but you do realize the camera is stationary right? Hey that is some nice light fixtures. Copper or brass? Dad?
Dad turn around. The camera is to your left.
Your other left
I give up.
3. The “Guess If I Am I Wearing Pants” Zoomicap
Look I know we are all a bit punchy being locked at home and every day in retirement is a Saturday but this is not a clothing optional happy hour and Zoom strictly prohibits going commando. I need you to put your designer Lee jeans back on. Or any jeans for that matter. No pastel pants. Speaking of this why are you wearing a button down shirt on a Saturday? Or any day? You’re retired. It’s like a shelter in place order with social security payments. The more I think of it what happens to the fashion gene when you get older? Wait I’ll save that for another Donut Monday.
4. The “I Can See What You Ate For Lunch” Zoomicap
My brother had to stage this look as I did not have time to whip out my camera phone for actual Zoomicap footage but it seems the brains in seniors when it comes to video conferencing approximate how close to the mic they are speaking into to determining how well I can hear you. I’d ship nose hair trimmers to every member of my family for our next conference but the only thing you can order on Amazon right now is gently used Flowbees and and DVD Directors Cut of Tiger King.
We kid! Love you Mom and Dad. Keep Zooming. This Modern Bloke loves you.
Everyone stay safe and healthy
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