Shelter in place. Wash your hands. Keep 6 feet distance from each other. Flatten the curve. Phrases we hear day in and day out now. We are all doing our part and that’s such a good thing but time to take a little reprieve from reality. Shut the door. Find some privacy and fire up some Covid porn of scenes you really super crave right now. Here at DM we have collected some of your favorite fantasies you dream of coming true again.
Hanging out a crowded sports bar
Oh yeah….check it out baby. 360 degree of live sports saddled up close to your buddies sharing pitchers of beers and beer steins that may or may not have been washed properly. You count the TVs by the dozen. No classic game replays in this sports house of sin. No sports documentaries on constant loop. No Steven A Smith. No Top 10 lists you’ve seen 100 times. It’s live high res mediocre game play between two low market teams that have no chance to make the playoffs. Feels so good. Excuse me can I get another platter of family size nachos to share and some dirty silverware?
Unlimited hand sanitizer
No home banished buckaroo that’s not a mirage. That’s a treasure trove of unlimited sanitizing alcoholic based aloe goodness. So slather up to your hearts content and still have enough to sell on the streets and send your kids to an ivy league school. Full ride. We’ll make more.
Back to School
Go ahead cancel your zoom account and burn the school books. School is back in session. Miss that time teaching your grumpy kid pre-algebra at a dirty kitchen table in your pajamas at 9 o clock at night? Yep me either. Just look at these little rug rats not being your problem for atleast 6-7 hours a day. You’ve never looked forward to school drop off in your life. And suddenly year round school doesn’t seem such a bad idea afterall.
Spring Break
Grab your board shorts and your beer bong. The beaches are open. Actually never mind. Anyone else get the douche chills? Let’s stop the mass asshole gatherings.
Raise the Curve
There’s no flat in this fantasy. Just look at that straight vertical Mount Everest thing of beauty. We only raise the curve to track upward trends in available masks, people to TP ratios and stock market rallies.
Sit in an empty house
Damm! Just sit back and take in this erotic fortress of solitude. Soak it all in. Hear that noise? Neither do I. It’s quiet. No playstation smack talk in the background. No moody children. No farty spouses. Its clothing optional at this resort for one. Call the locksmith. You just got a late check out approved.
Unlimited TP
It’s ok. We won’t tell anyone. Squeeze the Charmin. Your bum will never feel neglect again in this 2 ply world of unlimited wipes. Spend as much time as you need in the bathroom and still have enough left over for your kids to TP all the houses on the block. It’s limit none per customer.
Restaurants open
What’s for dinner tonight dad? It’s time for you to move out and learn to cook in that order. That’s what time it is. Down boy. Throttle back into 1st gear because the restaurants are open here on Donut Monday. It’s time to let someone else do the cooking for a change. Start in with some some Open Table foreplay and cash in those dinner points that you’ve been saving for a special occasion. French Laundry or IHOP . Pick your paradise and open up those menus. And you for dessert you can just walk back to the kitchen and watch someone else do dishes. Because you like to watch…
Touching your face
Go ahead. Scratch that itch. It’s time to have unprotected consensual touching with your face again without shame or consequences. Sure the left over hand sanitizer remnants may make you a bit woosy but its a good buzz.
Hand shake
Look at that firm shake. Finally we can get back to the ritual of greeting and….actually forget it. Handshaking should die a slow death and leave this world forever.
It’s time to take a little escape from reality and fantasize about all the things we want back in our life again